Valentine's

I haven't wrote in a long time. 
This is just a fun, just-because post....

It's almost Valentine's Day and I'm not very big on V Day. Never
have been. I always have considered it a month of love meant for ALL people
in your world...not just for one other person.

I'm not big on commercialism and holidays.

But this year, being with this incredible man has made me ponder the "specialness" of the day just ahead.... we've worked for over two years with many bumps, delays, and lots of laughter...building a friendship that has slowly turned into the most wonderful relationship....

I'm still not all about this day being about HIM, but I reflect on the joy and hardship of the journey. I don't need anything as proof of his love or feelings
for me. I already trust and know him...his heart. I don't care if flowers show up for me or if I get a card or a fancy dinner. (sure it would be a lovely thing and I'm a girl...so OF COURSE I'm going to love it!) [But] That was never the point. 

Valentine's is just a day to simply celebrate love. 

Love for one another. 

The Bible so delicately commands us that we are to love the Lord, our God, with all our hearts, souls, minds, and strength...and to love others the way we 
love ourselves. God is love. Simply put. We love because of Him in us.

I pray in the days to come that you take some time to just ponder on the good of those around you. That you find contentment in life, no matter the struggle, pain, disappointment, or hardship. That you remember our King's grand love
for you...that you'd be truly rooted and grounded in Him.













....and on a silly note, don't you think Valentine's day is the perfect time to get a gift like this??

Janet, the hippo

love.

The Worship Room

My Home away from home.

My Safety. The place I hide…in Him.

The place I pour myself out.

The place where I replenish.

My chosen avenue to the Throne Room.

The place I listen.

The place I hear.

My “beside still waters.”

My secret place.

On my drive home from work today;

I realized something. Over the past

year now, the worship room….

has become my place of intense labor.

I rush in desperate pursuit of my King’s

heart and find myself shaking in His

very presence because it is so thick and

powerful, but I leave…                                            

                                         unsatisfied.

My only conclusion: labor pains.

There cannot be satisfaction in the labor.

It is hard and mostly painful. It takes a

highly concentrated effort. Focus. Quiet.

And another to push you when you are ready

to give up.

I keep having these satisfying moments that

I think “finally the birthing process has begun.”

But it’s not true yet. The satisfaction “in between”

is just the moment I can catch my breath before

another contraction hits.

The Worship Room.

The place I labor.

The place of un-satisfaction that I must

press through because in the end – His

promise is a satisfaction and destiny that

will never cease.

The Worship Room.

HERE – the promise is being birthed.

The dreams.

The visions.

The prophecies.

The ministry.

The calling.

The destiny.

The woman.

Here, His promise is being birthed.

“It will happen. It will come quickly.

It will be soon.”

So today, I make a decision to run into

the arms of a King, though I may find

no satisfaction or relief yet. Today I make

a decision that tomorrow and the next

day and the next I will do the very same

thing….because more than anything on

earth do I long to see His promise fulfilled

in me and through me.

I hunger and thirst for You only.

I’ll have no other. I want no other.

I choose You. You’re the One I want.

I will waste my life for You.

I will run to You & I will lift my head to

the sky and thank You even when a drought

 has covered the land and the sky is empty.

The Worship Room.

My place of deep anguish, longing, intercession.

My Hope when the eye cannot see.

The place my eyes fixate on when I don’t know

what else to do.

The Worship Room.

The place where His promises will be birthed.

“It will happen. It will come quickly.

It will be soon.”

Give me a heart that looks like Yours. I want to

love the way You love.

i'm still here...

Lately I have had this craving.

For adventure, I suppose.

For the smell of a coffee shop and the busyness

outside its window. For the artwork just down  

the road or a museum to peruse through endless

in thought.  I miss wearing peacoats and carrying

umbrellas and walking down the street – normally

feeling bigger than the surrounding buildings.

For romance too.

Adventure & romance. They go hand in hand,

don’t you think?

…

I’ve been witnessing the very things I’ve

cried out for come true. I’ve watched them unfold

within me and around me. It’s like witnessing a true

miracle. There’s been such joy in this new season.

It’s kind of funny to say, but through the heartache

of the past few years (or rather the healing) – I’ve

found I’m already looking back and some how

missing it.

Not because I felt so close to God then and now

I do not.  No, that’s not it at all.  Rather, I think,

because there was safety and routine and rhythm

in this past season. I came to fit into it and be

content in it as if it were my own skin.

I’m glad things are changing. It means I’m walking

more into my calling. Going deeper still. Witnessing

the very hand of God in my life. I’m working out a

new rhythm with the Lord.  I’m working out contentment

in certain areas.

Things are changing. It’s a new season.

The very one You promised.

It’s a season of life. The blooms fade not. The trees

yield their fruit twelve months of the year.

I’m thankful.

I’m still a little distant. Or cautious.

I enjoy secrets still – just between me & Him.

I doubt this part will ever change.

If you could see me now.

I laugh again. I really laugh again.






.

mornings & hills

.

Wigglesworth & a big hello again...

“There are many things in your life that you cannot

understand. But be patient, for when the Hand of

God is upon a thing, it may grind very slowly, but it

will form the finest thing possible, if you dare wait

until the end of it.

Don't kick until you are through, and when you are

dead enough, you will never kick at all. It is a death

come to death, that we might be alive unto God. It

is only by the deaths we die that we are able to be

still.”                            - Smith Wigglesworth

I've been rooting around in my carpet bag full of words searching

for the most descriptive of sorts in hopes that somehow I can

portray to you all the good and wonderful ways of our loving

God.  (and even so, the ways He is working in me.)

It’s been months since I have written. My hope is to push myself

to write more often now, but perhaps it may be only wishful hoping

and I may take another five months to write again.  Only time will

show you and me.

I’m full of thought. Provoked by the exquisite love of God. I go to

read… Ephesians or Titus or just any book of the Bible and I feel

the tears well up in my eyes and my heart does some sort of nose-

dive and I am totally aware that I am on the brink of  dangerous love.

Righteousness.

“He who knew no sin became sin that we might become the righteous-

ness of God in Christ Jesus.”  2 Corinthians

Healing.

“I have seen their ways, but I will heal them. I will guide them and

restore comfort creating praise on the lips of the mourners. Peace,

peace to those far and near,” says the Lord, “and I will heal them.”

Isaiah

Love.

^“All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has

blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms

because we are united with Christ. Even before he made the

 world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without

 fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into his own

 family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he

wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.”

Ephesians

As of late, these things are vivid in my heart – shifting my focus, pouring

over me with the purest of love, revealing the beautiful mystery of God’s

goodness and faithfulness, making me strong, and captivating my heart

in a way that, I fear and so hope, will ruin me for good.

I hope to elaborate soon. I hope it’s only a matter of a day or two (not

150) before I write again.  

i want to breathe out what He is breathing in.....
I am being refined in deep ways. I'm in the fire,

pressed on all sides, and I am looking to Him because

I am trusting His plan really is not to harm me but

to prosper me. 

I love Him. 

Sweet Flower

Oh, hello brave girl:

Are you inching closer into the revelation that you are made of a sure and solid piece of steel? That the delicate flower that is pushing through the earth is, in fact, uneasily altered when the wind blows something fierce?

A someone or two once pointed this out to you, but this time, are you beginning to see for yourself? You are strength reformed as a beautiful woman.

I know there are moments when you realize the depth of loss in your life. It is painful, I know. Yet I watch you unmoved and through tears release trust through thankfulness and faith.  Do you realize that your roots are intertwining even more – growing stronger and deeper in faith? Sweet flower, you have grown to know His goodness is ever-sustaining. Never ending.

I hope you are realizing this about your own self.

That lovely person that the world sees is a true depiction of you. Listen well and take it in.  It is that wonderful perspective of truth.

I know your heart seems lost. Unveiled and vulnerable, yet still remains a bright sense of hope.  You carry in you a flame and a beacon. 

Sweet flower, soon you will blossom. The world is waiting with breath held.  And our prayer forevermore will be, “Let your roots go down deep into Love.” 

There is so much more ahead!

 All will be beautiful just in time.

Just in time.

Just in time.

..

Dehydration.

I am dehydrating myself in worry now.

A moment ago, I was full of laughter and joy.

Trusting.

Heart unattached in every way.

The next – I am dry to the bone.

Seduced by Worrisome’s  way.

Dehydrated. Like skin married to

muscle and bone. Restricted in

movement. Liberation deferred.

It has marred my ability to see.

My ability to respond. My ability to

receive or to love. My ability for joy.

My ability to LIVE.

I envision a healthy human body lying on

the earth and slowly his body turns from

healthy to leather to sand. 

Philippians 4:6 says not to worry about

anything but in everything … pray, telling

God what you need and give thanks for

all He has done.

So this flesh that already seems destroyed

by fret now must be crucified even more –

to allow a response to flow in joy and

thankfulness.

“Then you will experience God’s peace, which

exceeds anything we can understand. His peace

will guard your hearts and minds as you live in

Christ Jesus.”  - Philippians 4:7

I have been waiting for the roof to drop out. And

You are telling me that what I see as the roof is

nowhere close to what the roof truly is…And even

so, You say, “It will never drop out.”]

Photo found here.

Quench my thirst, God, with Your love.

You are my only hope. You, I thirst for.

Come and quench this dry body. Quench me with

Your sweet, unfailing, powerful Love.

I tell my own soul....

Until I am secure in the love of God.
I will not be secure in this world.


May Your Perfect Love come; wash over me.
Like a blanket, wrap around me.
Cover me.
Dress me.

I will not be afraid of the terror at night.
I will not be afraid of rejection.
I will not be afraid of what will become.

I know I can put my full confidence in You.
Your plan is good and You are good.

Secure me in Your love.
Root and Ground me deeply.

from below the ground

The damage has been done. There is nothing bad about it.

Only hard.  It’s that simple inch toward something more,

something better, yet somehow along the way it is exposing

wounds and fears that I did not know still existed.

There is something You promised in the midst of it all. Some

what of a deep, deep treasure. Something I cannot deny and

something I have to cling to – in hope. In faith. It is Your promise

and it is unchanging. It is Your promise and You have always been

faithful. It is Your promise and You will walk with me and hold me

through it.

Your promise of life.

This season – You are.

This moment – it’s all You.

In brokenness, in fear, in confusion, in the place of wounds,

in fear, in fear, in fear…… Your hand guides me.  Sustains me.

All the days of my life.

You can remove all the mountains in my way – if You wanted

to… and even so, You have given me the authority to do so just

the same.

Every step, no matter how painful or hard, is a step of Your

faithful promise.

Life.

I say I must biggie on – one more step.

One at a time.

Life.

The laboring for life.

All is well; all shall be well.

This is good & this is God.

I will not be afraid; You are in control. I will not be afraid.

I trust in You. Faithful throughout the ages.

You do not change. You remain the same.

Creator of Life.

Maker of Life.

Giver of Life.

It is Your promise.

a calm moment on the porch swing of a dreamt-up country home on a perfectly, breezy day where the kites fly in the sky and provoke deep...

I’ve been kind of down on myself lately. I’m not for sure why. 

I think there is a bit of insecurity underlying this new adventure 

I've been on lately. It’s amazing how if you will just take a step 

back and breathe for a sec, clear your mind & refocus, attune 

to Trust, and not allow negative thoughts to dominate or have a

 place in your mind – how quickly things will begin to flourish 

again in the light of enjoyment and laughter with a confidence 

and guarantee that you are really and truly a beautiful person 

that offers life to another.

A few months ago, my dear friend wrote to me just to compliment

a photograph he saw of me.  His words spoke of a confidence he 

saw in me though at times he was certain I had my doubts. I remember 

the words I replied to him well….. They were said in a time in my life 

where I chose to forfeit all rights to speak down upon myself. My words, 

though I meant them, were still words I was telling myself to do.

 Something not quite accomplished yet.  Something spoken from 

a vision and goal I was relentless in succeeding in.

     “Your words are life to a girl who is fighting with every breath 

           to push past the whirlwind of lies this world has to offer…

                                           I will win.”

Lack of quiet. Built up emotion from all things good and some things 

hard. Lack of full understanding. Lack of sleep.  How fast things can 

progress or change.  How my mind cannot seem to fully comprehend 

the ways of my heart.

These are the things that leave me in doubt. (especially the latter.)

Yet here on this new adventure, whatever it is called or however long or 

short it lasts, I think of just a few things to keep reminding myself….

Polaroid photo print by Cori Kindred. 

Thank you, God, for such a brilliant season of laughter!

And Your love that is unfailing; surpassing anything that

makes sense.  Your Word truly has become a ballad of

love that has captivated me through and through. You

are beautiful. So beautiful

another thought on Love.

There are so many times when a person can be so

cruel or impatient or just downright hurtful. How easy

would it be to react in the same manner?  To, in a sense,

punish another for how wrong you feel you were treated

or how wrong you feel another was treated.

But it is none of my business. It is not my job to do the

punishing or the correcting. As a friend recently quoted,

“It is none of my business what people think of me.”

But what I have realized, in a quiet moment in the vault

filing, is that my only job or duty or position in wrongdoing

is to generously love back. Not in sarcasm but in truth.

It is not my place to do the correcting or punishing; it is His.

And it is not my place to find out when or how He does the

correcting or IF He ever does. It is not MY story to be concerned

with; meaning, it is none of my business what I think of others.

Of course, we can twist this into many different aspects. Dissect

the boundaries of love and I would agree;  there has to be

boundaries in love. And just as a father, in love, disciplines his son to

teach him the best way to live so must we learn to love in a way that

brings life and change to another BECAUSE of Love.

Father, give us the grace to live our lives in love     

      and as a reflection of the one, true Love.

You are My glory.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus
Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual
blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, just as He
chose us in Him before the foundation of the world,
that we would be holy and without blame before Him
in love, having predestined us to adoption as sons by
Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure
of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, by
which He made us accepted in the Beloved.
                                            - Ephesians

" to the praise of the glory of His grace...."
                Oh, tears fill my eyes as I think of
        Your love!





I said, "Show me Your glory!" He said, "You are My glory!"

...and how can I love
               unless He loved first?

-John

speak to the self.

.
.
.
i am dark, but lovely.
dark, but lovely.

-Solomon

Solitude's Desperation

..

He wants me. All of me.
In His eyes, I have always been perfect.
His desire burns for me.

....

Work ends. The same journey home begins.
The wind down. The frustration of small
town drivers who pretend they know what
city driving is like...  But this time, I forget
about the routine.  He is calling me.

The longest route home has become my new
dream... My heart floods with so much to
say to my King. Like a friend I haven't quite
opened up to in awhile....it all pours out so
easily. Every word drenched in desperation
for Him - for His presence, His purpose, His
love.

Forever changed by His love. How much easier
could it be said? I watched the sun set through
the wide open sky - deep colours that caught my
attention reminding me of Your unchanging faithfulness.
I have been ruined. I will never want another the way
I desire You. I know when I need peace - You are
Peace. When I need to settle down - You become
my Hiding Place. You meet me - before words
leave my mouth. You hear the deep of me long before
it surfaces.

I know in You - I am standing on solid ground.
I know in You - I am beautiful.
I know in You - nothing else matters. Though
things don't go my way. Though I do not half-
the-time understand. Though I become insecure.
Though I fear.

You make my world secure.
You make my world calm.
You call my mess beautiful.
Only You.
You have ruined me.

...

Find me here in my insecurities.
Where my mind and heart and body
can't seem to rest. Find me here amidst
the noise and chaos. Find me here...
ruin me with Your love.




..

Untitled 9

Be at rest, o my soul.
Quiet down.
Slow down inwardly and wait.
Breathe.
Trust.

Rest.

Your ways are higher than mine.
You are so good - even in the midst of
what seems bad.

Trust. I remind myself of all that You
have done.

May I learn to give thanks in unrequited
desire.

The Desert Has Not Ended

Anyone know any good music
that you can cry to? I am so in
need of a good cry - too, too
much has happened all at once.
Though I trust the goodness of
Father - I am still trying to process
this turn in my life.
So deep in my soul, I know and
trust the faithfulness of God.
Inwardly, my words are few. I
don't know if I have any....


.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .




And what is with DESIRE?
It burns deep. There are moments
I do not know how to bear such
a big burden.
DESIRE.
It leaves me speechless and at the
same time - moved to intercession.
Intercession with no words.
Probably more powerful than I could
fathom.

I am at a loss on all sides.
I trust the timing of words again.
I trust my life (and my families lives)
to Your hands, King.
Meet me here in this desert.

May I run to only You.

my sister & her sweet family

i can't stop looking at these
photographs. my nieces are the
most precious little girls in the
world.

joe & my sis and their two daughters
moved to the Philippines this past
april. they are going to try living there
for at least a year. so this is their
first christmas in a different country
with new cultural traditions.

i am going to miss them so much for the
holiday. i feel like an only child now.
but aside from that, aren't these
photos just so wonderful?!

Yesterday.

Yesterday
i found this wonderful treasure
for my room in my favorite antique
shop...

yesterday
my mom and i went to 3 different
antique stores - i want to put up
maps of specific places in my room
and she helped me search through tons
of maps to find the perfect ones!
I ended up with 24 old maps for $10!
Thank God for my mom....

and yesterday,
i think there were finally words
to say to reconcile all things past
with my dearest constant...
8 more days to see his fab face!

Hours of rummaging through antique stores & old maps,
and then old photographs with old memories
and good conversation. Playing my guitar again
and healing conversations....a good day.

"My lover said to me, 'Rise up, my darling!
Come away with me, my fair one! Look, the
winter is past, and the rains are over and gone.
The flowers are springing up, the season of singing
birds has come, and the cooing of turtledoves fills
the air. The fig trees are forming young fruit,
and the fragrant grapevines are blossoming.
Rise up, my darling! Come away with me, my
fair one!' 

untitled 8

hours have escaped me.
2 am and i am still here.
dreaming a little - for the
first time in so long...my own
dreams.

yesterday i did some cleaning out.
today i saw myself as beautiful again.
today i've been inspired in creativity.
even went to an art show!
sigh, i love it when my unartistic town
celebrates such wonderful works...

i'll probably be a mess tomorrow for not
taking care of myself tonight. i need
sleep. i know it is true.

i guess i don't want to fall asleep yet...
because tonight, i have hope.
tonight, i believe.
tonight, i trust.
tonight, i smile.
tonight....

                                          i hope...in the unknown.