speak to the self.

.
.
.
i am dark, but lovely.
dark, but lovely.

-Solomon

Solitude's Desperation

..

He wants me. All of me.
In His eyes, I have always been perfect.
His desire burns for me.

....

Work ends. The same journey home begins.
The wind down. The frustration of small
town drivers who pretend they know what
city driving is like...  But this time, I forget
about the routine.  He is calling me.

The longest route home has become my new
dream... My heart floods with so much to
say to my King. Like a friend I haven't quite
opened up to in awhile....it all pours out so
easily. Every word drenched in desperation
for Him - for His presence, His purpose, His
love.

Forever changed by His love. How much easier
could it be said? I watched the sun set through
the wide open sky - deep colours that caught my
attention reminding me of Your unchanging faithfulness.
I have been ruined. I will never want another the way
I desire You. I know when I need peace - You are
Peace. When I need to settle down - You become
my Hiding Place. You meet me - before words
leave my mouth. You hear the deep of me long before
it surfaces.

I know in You - I am standing on solid ground.
I know in You - I am beautiful.
I know in You - nothing else matters. Though
things don't go my way. Though I do not half-
the-time understand. Though I become insecure.
Though I fear.

You make my world secure.
You make my world calm.
You call my mess beautiful.
Only You.
You have ruined me.

...

Find me here in my insecurities.
Where my mind and heart and body
can't seem to rest. Find me here amidst
the noise and chaos. Find me here...
ruin me with Your love.




..

Untitled 9

Be at rest, o my soul.
Quiet down.
Slow down inwardly and wait.
Breathe.
Trust.

Rest.

Your ways are higher than mine.
You are so good - even in the midst of
what seems bad.

Trust. I remind myself of all that You
have done.

May I learn to give thanks in unrequited
desire.

The Desert Has Not Ended

Anyone know any good music
that you can cry to? I am so in
need of a good cry - too, too
much has happened all at once.
Though I trust the goodness of
Father - I am still trying to process
this turn in my life.
So deep in my soul, I know and
trust the faithfulness of God.
Inwardly, my words are few. I
don't know if I have any....


.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .




And what is with DESIRE?
It burns deep. There are moments
I do not know how to bear such
a big burden.
DESIRE.
It leaves me speechless and at the
same time - moved to intercession.
Intercession with no words.
Probably more powerful than I could
fathom.

I am at a loss on all sides.
I trust the timing of words again.
I trust my life (and my families lives)
to Your hands, King.
Meet me here in this desert.

May I run to only You.

my sister & her sweet family

i can't stop looking at these
photographs. my nieces are the
most precious little girls in the
world.

joe & my sis and their two daughters
moved to the Philippines this past
april. they are going to try living there
for at least a year. so this is their
first christmas in a different country
with new cultural traditions.

i am going to miss them so much for the
holiday. i feel like an only child now.
but aside from that, aren't these
photos just so wonderful?!

Yesterday.

Yesterday
i found this wonderful treasure
for my room in my favorite antique
shop...

yesterday
my mom and i went to 3 different
antique stores - i want to put up
maps of specific places in my room
and she helped me search through tons
of maps to find the perfect ones!
I ended up with 24 old maps for $10!
Thank God for my mom....

and yesterday,
i think there were finally words
to say to reconcile all things past
with my dearest constant...
8 more days to see his fab face!

Hours of rummaging through antique stores & old maps,
and then old photographs with old memories
and good conversation. Playing my guitar again
and healing conversations....a good day.

"My lover said to me, 'Rise up, my darling!
Come away with me, my fair one! Look, the
winter is past, and the rains are over and gone.
The flowers are springing up, the season of singing
birds has come, and the cooing of turtledoves fills
the air. The fig trees are forming young fruit,
and the fragrant grapevines are blossoming.
Rise up, my darling! Come away with me, my
fair one!' 

untitled 8

hours have escaped me.
2 am and i am still here.
dreaming a little - for the
first time in so long...my own
dreams.

yesterday i did some cleaning out.
today i saw myself as beautiful again.
today i've been inspired in creativity.
even went to an art show!
sigh, i love it when my unartistic town
celebrates such wonderful works...

i'll probably be a mess tomorrow for not
taking care of myself tonight. i need
sleep. i know it is true.

i guess i don't want to fall asleep yet...
because tonight, i have hope.
tonight, i believe.
tonight, i trust.
tonight, i smile.
tonight....

                                          i hope...in the unknown.

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He has thwarted me on all sides.
It seems that whether it would be friends or
a social life, exercise, eating, or even daydreams...
He will not let me run to anything but Him.

"You shall not make for yourself an idol in the
form of anything in heaven above or on the earth
beneath or in the waters below. You shall not
bow down to them or worship them; for I, the
LORD your God, am a jealous God..." Exodus 20:4-5a

It seems He has only allowed me access
to certain people. Blessed me with them,
rather. Moments of sincere, honest, painful
conversation that bring life and healing on
both sides - yet provoke me to the depths of
my heart: wounds and laughter. He has become
so absolutely selective with who He allows in my
life and to share my time with. I know He is
protecting me - it is Sacred.

He wants me. My whole heart. He wants to heal
the depths of this rugged mess and unveil my
eyes to see Truth and Love.

His thwarting is His bid for freedom and blessing
and life and laughter for me. Oh, He loves me!

untitled 3

It's the only way...
to worship.
It's my only way.

Remembering...

My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart;
he is mine forever.

-Psalm 73:26

Scrambled thoughts.

I miss writing.
I wish I were lost in that season again
where words came easily from pen to paper.

I hate the sewing machine.
I just want it to work so I can create with it.
My curtains seem a dream...

I am a mess - I wish I could call it beautiful.
My heart feels like a bobblehead - head.
So does my head.

Whatever season this is:
I am thirsty. Desperate.
Unsatisfied and in deep longing.
Speak, Defendor.
Teach me You in the matter.
How I long to remember.

Oh...how I long to remember...